Essay title: How serious a problem is childhood obesity in the UK?

You may have your own suggestions for tightening up the structure of this essay. Click on the paragraph summaries for some notes and things to think about.

Intro: At least 10% of six-year-olds and 17% of 15-year-olds are now clinically obese, and this is having major effects on their health, both physical and mental	The introduction doesn't seem to indicate what the writer intends to argue. A direct question has been raised by the assignment task, which needs addressing clearly and explicitly in the introduction. Will the essay demonstrate that childhood obesity is a serious problem, or not?
Paragraph 1: The main health problem that obesity causes is cardiovascular disease, which has immediate effect on children’s arteries and so prevention is better than correction.	The link to the question needs to be clearer. We can infer that the essay writer is suggesting that childhood obesity IS a serious problem, but the connection with the writer's overall argument needs to be stronger. The reader should never be left wondering "so what?" when they get to the end of a paragraph. If you are going to throw facts at your reader, you need to tell them why they are relevant. ‘Prevention is better than correction’ is also a slightly tangential point. The writer must stay focussed on arguing that childhood obesity is (or isn’t) a serious problem in the UK.
Paragraph 2: Obesity also causes long-term mental effects, including depression and low self esteem	This implies childhood obesity is a serious problem, but, again, the writer must make that link clear.
Paragraph 3: Another consequence of obesity is Type 2 diabetes, which is preventable through diet and exercise.	The writer seems to have talked about physical effects, then psychological effects, then gone back to physical effects. More logical structuring and grouping of ideas is needed. This is easier to spot now that they have summed up each paragraph and looked at the overall journey of the essay.
Paragraph 4: Obesity also has a financial impact on the NHS	This wasn't signposted in the introduction. There was no indication that financial aspects would be discussed so this comes as a bit of a surprise. Tell your reader what to expect from the start.
Paragraph 5: Childhood obesity is more of a problem now than in previous years.	Would this have made more sense earlier in the essay? It feels out of place here.
Conclusion: More education about healthy living is needed in order to reduce childhood obesity.	A conclusion should be a consolidation of the points made in the main body of the essay, demonstrating how those points have answered the assignment question. Here, a new point seems to crop up which has not been foregrounded in the main body. Also, the question does not ask what needs to be done to prevent obesity; it asks how serious a problem it is. Don't drift off the point, especially in your conclusion!